“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” –  1 Corinthians 7:5

I’ve had some interesting pastoral conversations about sex and love in recent months.  While these conversations have been focused specifically around sex and marriage, the point that needs to be made has broader implications for healthy, loving relationships in general. 

Way back in 1992, counselor Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages where he explained his theory that everyone has a certain way of communicating and receiving love.  Some people express and receive love best through Words of Affirmation, others through Quality Time, or Receiving Gifts, or Acts of Service, or Physical Touch.  For most people “their love language” is more of a ranking of the five than a yes/no situation.

You can figure out what your love language is by going online and taking the survey HERE.  You can also just pay attention to the people in your life.  People often express love in the way they want to receive love. 

Chapman’s theory is nested in the context of romantic love, but it applies to all human relationships.  If you want your spouse, your friend, your child, your sibling, or your parent to feel loved by you, then you need to figure out what their love language is and express your love to them in that way.  If you want to feel loved by someone who loves you then it can be helpful to let them know what makes you feel loved.

For example, if you have a daughter and her top love languages are quality time and physical touch, then your best bet on filling up her love tank might be to spend time with her playing chase, wrestling, or reading to her on your lap. 

If you have a friend whose top love languages are Words of Affirmation and Gifts, then bringing them a cup of coffee (or something else you know they like) and telling them that you are grateful for them will go a long way towards filling up their love tank and strengthening your relationship.

When we understand and put to good use this powerful human dynamic it can lead to flourishing relationships.  Not understanding this can lead to frustration.  I’m sure we all at some point have experienced a situation where there is tension in a relationship and someone says something like, “You never spend time with me anymore.”  And the other person responds defensively, “Yeah, I’ve been busy, but look at all the things I’ve bought you.”  Both people are trying to communicate love and their need for love but since they’re unknowingly using different love languages they are both feeling frustrated and misunderstood. A little understanding of this dynamic would help the situation.

But here is the point I want to get to – hurt and frustration around love languages isn’t always due to misunderstanding, sometimes it is caused when we knowingly and intentionally weaponize love. 

Whether someone has ever heard of Gary Chapman or not, many people know what makes the people in their life feel loved.  Most of us know the things that meet the emotional needs of the people in their lives, but we don’t always use that for good. 

Imagine that your love language was Quality Time and someone that you cared about weaponized that love language against you.  They might use it as a tool for manipulation and communicate in one way or another, “Now that I’ve spent time with you, you owe me.”  Or they might use it as a point of leverage by communicating in some way that they’re not going to give you Quality Time until you do what they want.  Or on the receiving end, someone could act like a jerk or even abusively and the say, “Even though I’m being horrible to you, if you don’t spend time with me you’re being a bad friends/spouse/etc.”  What was meant to be a path towards love and building up has then become an intentional weapon to hurt, control, and tear down. 

I think you can imagine how Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch could also be weaponized. 

I think you can imagine how sex – an act that could very easily involve all five love languages – could be weaponized. 

The point of the Apostle Paul’s statement at the beginning of this post is that married people shouldn’t weaponize sex.  We shouldn’t use an act that God gave us to build up, strengthen and vitalize our relationships as a tool to hurt, control, or tear down.  We should give it as freely as we are able for the good of our spouse and the good of our relationship. 

When we apply this teaching more broadly, it means that we shouldn’t weaponize any love language in any relationship.  We should give love as freely as we are able for the good of the people around us and the good of our relationships. 

I think another teaching from Paul on love in the same letter to the Corinthians is a good place to end this on.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

May God bless you and your relationships today. 

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See Also:

• Finding The ONE
• Sex Talk
• Speak to Them of Beauty