Sex Talk
I can only think of a couple of topics that have as profound of an impact on individual lives and the human condition as what we believe about and how we navigate sex.
I probably don’t need to tell you this, but it’s a big deal. It has major implications for both life outcomes and societal outcomes.
In our society today there are two competing views of sex:
The Christian View of Sex
Sex is a gift of God exclusively for married people – people who have made a lifelong commitment to each other. When sex is viewed this way, God is honored, men are matured, women and children are protected, society is strengthened, human pleasure is maximized and human suffering is minimized. (Exodus 20:14 & 1 Corinthians 6:12-20)
The Secular View of Sex
The Christian view on sex – that sex is for married people – is outdated, out of touch, and oppressive. Sex is a human need and to delegitimize people’s right to satisfy that need is pointless and cruel. Casual sex, as long as it is between two consenting adults and precautions are taken, is not a big deal and to treat it like it is exposes an antiquated view of the modern reality. It is generally seen as best to have sex with people you are in love with, but having sex with strangers or people you barely know can be fun too.
I will argue that the secular view of sex isn’t modern, progressive, enlightened or novel but age-old, tired, regressive, backward, ignorant, out of touch, and oppressive.
As a pastor I would love to be able to just say, “God says sex is for married people.” And that take care of things, but we humans aren’t very good at trusting God so I will look to other sources to make my point.
I could look to history – this secular view of sex has been so thoroughly tested and has so miserably failed so consistently that history would be an easy source. I could also fill all of your time and mine sharing anecdotal cautionary tales from people’s lives that I have known that make my point. That would work too, but what I will go with to make my case is simple data and common sense. All the data I will use will be from government sources, state university research, or Left leaning organizations unless I mention otherwise.
Indulge me my first point. It isn’t a data driven one, but a spiritual one.
We Make a god out of sex. We celebrate it, glorify it, look to it for connection, satisfaction, significance, validation of worth, a sense of control, etc. When we do this we are making a lesser thing into an ultimate thing. Sex can never live up to all of that and it wasn’t meant to. For some people sex is a capital “G” God in their life and for other people it is a lesser god, a demigod, but still a god. Either way, just like every other false god it promises the world and delivers heartache, disappointment, and regret.
Sex is a big deal. We know this is true. It’s common sense. I’ve never held a grown man as he cried over a past handshake or a hug, but I sure have over sex. Maybe you have too. We know that shaking someone’s hand in the office isn’t a big deal and we know having sex with a co-worker in the copy room is. It’s not a big deal if our friend or sister hi-fives your boyfriend or husband, but if they have sex with them it is. Common sense.
Safe sex only exists in a very narrow set of circumstances. The Christian view is that the only safe sex is in a monogamous marriage. As the data shows, the only situation that comes close to that is if two people commit to be faithfully monogamous with each other, get on an effective form of birth control, get tested for STDs, wait for the results to come back with an “all clear,” and then have sex. Even then, there are other risks involved that I will mention later. One worth mentioning here though is that according to the CDC (first page), almost 20% of women will experience an unintended pregnancy in their first year of cohabitation with someone.
Unintended pregnancy is a risk. According to the Guttmacher Institute, the now unofficial research arm of Planned Parenthood, 45% of all pregnancies in the US are unintended. According to the CDC (page 9, right side) 40% of all unintended births come from couples using contraception. Add in the number of unintended pregnancies ended in abortion (28% of all pregnancies in 2013) and this number is over 50%. Each one of those unintended pregnancies has real consequences for a mom and a dad as well as a baby/fetus.
For the man you are either going to have a baby with a woman that you didn’t plan on having a baby with and your life will be bound to hers and to the quality of person and mother she is for the rest of your life or she will legally end the life of your baby. You don’t get a say in the matter either way.
For the woman the consequences of an unintended pregnancy is nothing to shrug off either. If you let the baby live, will you have to raise them and support him or her on your own? If you do, there is a laundry list of negative emotional, psychological, developmental, relational, financial, and life outcome ramifications for both you and the child. Do a quick search on this. The effects of fatherlessness are staggering (see The Importance of Dads). Is the man capable of paying child support? Enough child support? Will he stick with you and the baby? Do you want him to? Will he be good to you and a good father to the baby? If he doesn’t commit to you or you don’t want him to, how will you feel about sharing custody with him?
If you end the baby’s life in an abortion, that has consequences too. There is a research study fight going on about the emotional and mental health effects of abortion on a woman that will likely never be resolved. On one side there is a mound of studies that says abortion has a devastating effect on women and skyrockets their rates of depression, anxiety, emotional disorders, and suicide (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE). The other side critiques these studies and says there are too many variables involved in a woman’s mental and emotional health and abortion to make any definitive conclusions regarding causality (see HERE). You’ll have to draw your own conclusions, but I think a revealing reality is the prevalence of post-abortion support groups. Also, you can take this for what it’s worth, but David Rearden, a biomedical ethicist who is pro-life points out in one of his articles that one suicide hotline director reported that almost half of female suicide call-ins are related abortion (see Your position on Abortion).
The risk of unintended pregnancies makes sex an incredibly risky endeavor.
What about STDs. Many in our society have developed a cavalier attitude towards STDs – maybe because it is so common place that according to the CDC 1 in 3 Americans currently have an STD – but we shouldn’t. They have real heartbreaking effects on people’s lives. According to the Food and Drug Administration STDs can cause:
- Tubal pregnancies, sometimes fatal to the mother and always fatal to the unborn child
- Death or severe damage to a baby born to an infected woman
- Sterility (loss of ability to get pregnant)
- Cancer [in both men and women]
- Damage to other parts of the body, including the heart, kidneys, and brain
Also check out this link to the heartbreaking information the American Pregnancy Association has on STDs and their effects on women and babies.
But that is what condoms are for right? Use a condom and all these risks go away and sex becomes safe right? Not according to the American Pregnancy Association and the National Institute of Health (and HERE). According to them:
- Condoms provide no significant reduction in the transmission of the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) which causes cancer in both men and women, birth complications, and the disease can be passed on to the baby.
- Syphilis transmission is reduced 29% by condoms for typical use. It is reduced 50 to 71% when condoms are used correctly 100% of the time. Syphilis can cause miscarriage, stillbirth, as well as mental and physical problems for babies.
- Gonorrhea & Chlamydia transmission is reduced by approximately 50% even when condoms are used 100% of the time. According to the CDC Chlamydia is the most common infection in the US – more than the common cold. Both of these diseases can be treated with antibiotics, however they are often asymptomatic and left untreated can lead to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) which causes permanent infertility, miscarriage, and other health problems in women.
- Genital herpes transmission is reduced by approximately 40% by condoms. Herpes can be treated but not cured. It can cause miscarriage. This incurable disease can also be transferred to the baby during pregnancy, delivery, or breastfeeding.
- HIV transmission is reduced by approximately 85% when condoms are used correctly 100% of the time. HIV can be managed but not cured. If it develops into AIDS it is fatal. It can be transferred to the baby during pregnancy, delivery, or breastfeeding.
- Also, condoms are ranked as a moderately effective birth control method. 15% of couples who use condoms correctly and consistently are estimated to experience an unintended pregnancy during the first year of perfect use.
So, sure, condoms make sex “safer” but certainly not safe and certainly not something I would recommend anyone I care about to rely on.
But let’s say you’re one of the lucky ones, you get some notches on the belt, maybe a lot of notches, but you beat the odds when it comes to STDs and unintended pregnancies. You’re still statistically less likely to be as happy as those who never had sex and less happy in your relationship than those who have only had sex with their spouse. Along with decreased odds of relationship happiness, you’re also less likely to have a stable and lasting relationship compared to those who have only had sex with their spouse (see HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE – the last two have a reputation for a conservative bent).
If you beat all of those odds too, there is a cost to sex outside of marriage that you almost certainly won’t be able to avoid, and that is time cost and opportunity cost. Entering sex into a dating relationship tends to prolong the amount of time we give to a person. Maybe there was someone that we would have dated for only a month if we weren’t sleeping with them, but because we were we end up giving them a year or two of our lives. With all other consequences aside, if you stack a few of these up, you have given your twenties and maybe a chunk of your thirties to people who don’t love you anymore and you don’t love them. You’ve traded away your key mating years to people who aren’t committed to you and you’re not committed to them in exchange for little more than emotional baggage and missed opportunity. Again, this is if you are lucky enough to dodge all the other landmines already mentioned.
On to other common reality distortions.
Sex is a Need. We know this one isn’t true. It’s an urge or a drive, but not a need. Plenty of people live happy, meaningful, connected lives without having sex for years, decades or even ever. If we believed sex was a need we’d all arrange for the ones we love to have someone to have sex with while we’re away on business, personal trips, or military service. But we don’t, because we know it’s not a need. In fact we tend to believe that both they and our relationship will be better off if they don’t have sex with someone else while we’re away. Common sense.
People should wait till their “in love” to have sex with someone. You probably don’t need me to site the CDC for you to believe that the majority of Americans believe this – as long as both people have hit the age of 18. There are so many problems with this perspective. First of all, objectively what does “in love mean?” It seems no one defines it the same way. How do you know when it’s there and how does that fit into a wise life plan? Does it matter if the people “in love” are 13 and 30? Why? They’re “in love.” I read somewhere years ago – and I’m sorry I can’t find a link – that teenagers fall in love on average twice a year. We know that having a new sexual partner every six months throughout your teenage years isn’t the path to happiness and positive life-outcomes.
Good sex comes from broadening your sexual experiences with multiple people. This one makes sense in some ways. If you want to get good at auto mechanics, you get good training along with a lot of experience with lots of different cars. The problem is, humans don’t work that way. As the links sited above show, the way to maximize sexual satisfaction and sexual frequency is to pick one person and be faithful to them for life. The soil that good sex grows in is a long-term committed relationship where there is good communication, trust, and intimacy.
The Secular View of sex is that the Christian View is cruel, outdated, and oppressive. I think the facts show that the secular view of sex is cruel, outdated, and oppressive. It is cruel to tell lies that lead to human suffering – especially when we know they’re lies.
Please know that God knows you and loves you completely. God tells us that sex is for married people, not to keep us from living and to steal our joy, but to lead us to life and joy. God loves us.
If you’ve made mistakes, that’s okay. The Christian Life is about recognizing our mistakes, calling them what they are, learning from them, and living differently. It’s the path to life called “repentance.” If you’re on the Christian journey, you’ll find reason to do it a lot. It’s freeing and life-giving and you’ll find that God is really good at bringing beauty out of the messes we place in God’s hands. God will be with you in a special way in those moments of repentance and you’ll also find a special connection with all the other wonderful, beautiful, flawed people who are on the journey beside you.
I hope this was helpful.
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