Quick Tips on Dating
When it comes to dating, the majority of people have the same goal – to find someone that they can create a relationship of love and trust with that will last. Obviously there are people who date with other primary goals, but in general, this desire for a lasting relationship of love and trust seems to be the core motivator for most people when it comes to dating.
As a pastor and a minister to my broader community, a large part of my vocational life is spent discussing and counseling people regarding romantic relationships. So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to share with you some quick tips I’ve gathered along the way on what I think leads to success in dating.
- Put God First in Your Life – I’m not saying this just because I’m a pastor. It fully deserves the number one spot. You need a center in your life, a foundation, a guiding light, a reliable source of hope, unconditional love, and moral grounding. There is nothing better to fit this central need in your life than the God revealed in Jesus. It is in putting this God in the highest and most central place in your life that you become a person who is best able to love and know what love is – because God first, and so wonderfully, always and forever, loves you.
- Develop Yourself – You’ve probably heard the phrase “opposites attract.” It is only somewhat true. It could be better stated, “complements attract” – meaning people whose differences complement each other or balance each other out or bring out the best in the other person attract each other. “Complements attract” and “birds of a feather flock together” are both true. This means you are going to be attracted to and attractive to people who are like you in your values, goals, maturity level, your spiritual orientation, how you treat yourself, how you treat other people, etc. So if you want to be attracted to and attractive to the highest quality of people possible, you need to develop yourself – become the best you can be. Go to counseling, go to church, go to the gym, read quality books, develop your character, find a mentor or a team of mentors, etc.
- Be Honest With Yourself & Specific About What You Want Most – It is surprisingly difficult for people to state clearly what they want. It takes courage and makes us feel vulnerable. It is also empowering. If you want to find someone that you can create a lasting relationship of love and trust with, then say it. Write it down. Also write down what qualities in another person are most important to you and rank them. Hopefully the top ranking qualities – the non-negotiables – won’t be superficial. Someone’s height, hair color, or income aren’t things to build a lasting relationship of love and trust on. In the dating game, everyone is a compromise, even you. Just be clear about what you are willing to compromise and what you aren’t.
- Be Honest With Yourself & Specific About What You Have to Offer – This is hard to get right on your own. Most people either over-estimate or under-estimate what they have to offer. Find a person – or even better, several people – who know you, that you respect their judgment, and feel comfortable being vulnerable around and ask them to help you with this. In many cases a brother or sister may be ideal. Sometimes not. What you don’t want is someone who will be cruel or mean or someone who will puff you up to save your feelings or themselves from their own discomfort. You want honesty, not encouragement or cruelty. Knowing what you have to offer will either give you self-awareness and confidence in dating or maybe encourage you to put dating on pause and spend time on points one and two.
- Ask God for What You Want – I recommend praying all throughout this process, but at this point, now that you have clarified what you want and what you have to offer, begin regularly asking God for what you want. Ask God both to help you find someone who will be a good husband or wife to you and to make you the kind of person that would be an answer-to-prayer kind of husband or wife to someone else.
- Begin With The End in Mind – Most of us don’t carry around fantasy notions when it comes to finding the right job or the right place to live, but people often carry these things around when it comes to finding the right person to build a lasting relationship of love and trust with. If we were looking for a job or a place to live, most of us would come up with some sort of success formula – a plan to put us in the best position to get us what we want. Why shouldn’t that be the case with romantic relationships? Having a success plan in relationships doesn’t mean you are not trusting in God or being controlling, it is simply acting in wisdom – acting in line with how life works best. Do you sit at home waiting for something to “just happen?” If you go to places or do things to meet people, are those the places and activities you are most likely to meet the kind of person you are looking for? If you use a dating app, do you use the ones where the kind of person you are looking for is most likely to be? In your profile description and pictures are you honest about who you are – your assets and liabilities – and what you are looking for? The right person won’t be turned off by your honesty and transparency, but attracted by it. It isn’t a popularity contest where you need a thousand people to “like” you – that would be distracting. You just need the one, right person to “like” you.
- Tell Your Network What You Want – Tell the people who love you what you want – and be specific. Ask them to pray for you and to let you know if there is anyone they know that they think you should consider. This takes a lot of courage, but you’re only telling them something that they probably already know anyway and you are just inviting them to be on your team. This is the same thing you would do if you were looking for a job – it’s called networking, and it works. Most likely, there are a number of people one or two relationships removed from you that are worth your time talking to. This doesn’t look desperate or weak, but mature and clear-headed. Reach out to the people in your network in person, over the phone, or by email, but don’t send out a social media blast.
- Be Honest And Don’t Play Games – When you are dating someone, be honest about who you are and what you want. This is what mature grown-ups do. This isn’t needy, pushy, aggressive or demanding. You aren’t trying to “get” anyone to do and or be anything, you are looking for the person who is those things or could be interested in those things with you. Timing is important, but being clear and transparent early on is a gift to everyone involved.
- Don’t Have Sex with People You Aren’t Married To – I know this sounds ridiculous and out of touch to plenty of people, but it is neither one of those things. It is a position to optimize human flourishing backed up by medical and psychological research. Don’t take my word for it though. Read this – Sex Talk – first, and then do your own research with reputable sources on whether or not serial monogamy and cohabitation is the best way to optimize your chances of creating a lasting relationship of love and trust with someone. Your life and well-being are worth the time needed to sort this out.
- Get Good Pre-Marital Counseling – When things are looking serious, you’re engaged, or about to be engaged find someone to do quality pre-marital counseling with you and your significant-other. If this is done well, it will go a long way to set the two of you up for success in your relationship. I’ve never known anyone who has ever regretted it.
All God’s best to you on this St. Valentines Day!
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