I have an incredible mother-in-law.  Despite the jokes and the crazy stories, they do exist, and I happen to be blessed with one of the best ones.  Her husband, my father-in-law, is the extroverted one and we have enjoyed over fifteen years of rich conversation.  Carol Ann is quieter and I have learned so much from watching her, paying attention to how she lives her life and how she treats people.

My family on both sides (as far as I can tell) have always been strongly patriarchal – the male, particularly the oldest male in the family is the one who is both responsible for the family and the one who has the final say in the family.

Carol Ann is a matriarch, the daughter of a matriarch, and has also passed that matriarchal family system, that way of being, down to her daughter, my wife.   This isn’t something anyone ever talks about and we haven’t always even had the language for it, but it is there.  It is how things are in their family and it was incredibly foreign to me at first.

Her position of leadership in her family isn’t supported by being loud, aggressive, authoritative, or even the biggest – things that are commonly at play in the leadership of a patriarchal family system, even if they are under the surface.  Carol Ann’s position in her family system is held up by the constant love and service she gives to her family.  Her authority looks and feels more like deference and respect.   People in her family want to do what she wants because she is the one who loves us and takes care of us.  She lives out what Jesus said about leadership in Mark 9:35, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, the servant of all.”

[Note:  This is not about “bringing down the patriarchy.” Both types of family systems can be equally life-giving and healthy, or abusive and damaging.  It is the person I am writing about, not the type of family system.]

When my wife Carrie and I found out we were expecting our first child, Carol Ann gave us a scrapbook she had been working on for us for some time.  It was full of articles and quotes, words of blessing and encouragement, and advice – all on parenting.  One of my favorite parts of this book is one of her handwritten notes that says, “Quality time is only found in quantity time.  Love is spelled T.I.M.E.”

As I raise my kids, pastor my church, and live my life this is something that I think about often.  How am I loving my kids, how am I loving my wife, how am I loving the people in my church and in my community?  Who and what am I giving my time to?

Thankfully, I have more than just this great piece of advice.  I also have a model of someone living this out.  Carol Ann works constantly for the good of her family to make sure everyone is taken care of but she is also quick to stop and give people, especially her grandchildren these days, her undivided attention.  It is like she says through her actions and her presence, “You are the only thing that is important right now and this is the only place I need to be.”

Carol Ann – Thank you for teaching me how to spell love.  I am becoming a better man, husband, father, leader, and Jesus-follower by knowing you.